Posts in Marriage
5 (Un)Gentle Suggestions on How to Get a Reality Check When You've Romanticized the Past

I have a vivid memory of my mother from my childhood. I think of it often. She's folding laundry in her bedroom, and I'm chattering on about something as she holds out a fitted sheet. We each take our respective corners, create a crease and bend them in neatly while I continue talking. In complete unison, we fold the sheet.

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Ten Alternatives to a Romantic Valentine’s Day

We all know that Valentine’s Day can spark some intense emotions. Some people don’t care at all while others feel deeply saddened and alone. We also know it’s possible to feel alone on Valentine’s Day while married!

In recovery, we are not always feeling romantic. Romantic lovey-dovey feelings can only flourish in a relationship that has trust.

If you are feeling super lovey-dovey but you don’t trust your loved one, might be time to check your feelings! That’s a good indication you’ve gone gaga over someone underserving of your love and attention. That’s not to say they couldn’t be one day, but right now they are not. 

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He Isn't the Remarkable Man God Made Him to be...Yet!

"I don't know if I even believe in God."

The words out of my husband's mouth shocked me. He had recently returned home from a faith-based rehab that I "just knew" was going to purge his mind of all things addiction, and turn him into the husband I'd always dreamed of having. To be honest, his admittance made me angry. 

"You shouldn't even be alive! How have you still not surrendered to God? Really? You got us to where we are now, and you still think you can fix this on your own?!? Ugh."

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What Happens When You Can't Submit to Your Husband?

You know those people that speak their thoughts and react without even thinking, and even when they do reign in the strength to shut it, the look on their face tells it all? Yeah, that's me. I wear my feelings on my face. 

Being submissive is not natural for me. As much as I try to be nice, my nonexistent filter interferes. This is why writing works better; there is a delete button.

"He's not going to boss me around."

"I didn't marry him to be his servant."

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"But, what if they don't?". One Relationship Survival Skill You Have to Have if Your Loved One Doesn't Find Healing

In my marriage, there have been many ups and downs. I'd love to say there have been more ups than downs but I feel like that may be a lie. But it's not like I have been feeling bad for all these years!

Do you know what I mean?

In addiction circles, they call this, “practicing detachment” which essentially means we aren’t allowing the decisions and actions of others to affect our mood, thoughts and feelings. 

I teach a lesson on detachment in my eCourse on how to make good, Godly boundaries. The course, 'UnBound Me', is currently being updated and will be relaunched later in 2018 but today, I’d like to talk more in-depth about detachment.

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The One Act Of Faith That Can Change Everything

Recently, I asked my husband if he knew why I stayed with him. We had been talking about “what he put me through” (he was saying he knew it had been a lot) and it struck me, I tell people all the time why I stayed- but had I ever told him? 

He thought for a moment and then for a good two minutes he went on about all of the reasons that he believed I stayed but it all boiled down to two sentiments: 

  1. I loved him
  2. I saw him as more than “an addict”
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How to Battle Satan from the Bedroom

Valentine's Day is approaching and with it can come a host of emotions and responses, depending on one’s love life. 

There’s the, “I LOVE Valentine’s Day!” women who always seem to get chocolates, flowers and dates. 

There’s the, “I HATE Valentine’s Day” women who never get chocolates, flowers or dates. 

There’s the neutral response, “It’s just another day” women who may have gotten chocolates, flowers or dates in the past, and may or may not this year, but it’s really not their thing. 

And then, there’s the rest of us.

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How to Make Boundaries When Your Spouse is Boundary-less

According to Merriam Webster, a boundary is something that shows where an area ends and another area begins; a point or limit that indicates where two things become different.

Boundaries are then unofficial rules about what should not be done; limits that define acceptable behavior.

But when addiction takes root, boundaries become blurred, extended, trampled on, and unrecognizable. And the spouse of an addict can feel very disoriented and alone.

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How Secretly Watching Porn Hurts Your Wife (and what to do if she's bull-raging angry!)

“Why doesn’t he look at me?”

“Is this why he’s suddenly disinterested in sex?”

“Is he using that for motivation to make love?”

“What does he look at?”

“Why am I not enough?”

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Letting Go of the Dream of Partnership in a Marriage Affected by Addiction

I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted my marriage to look like. I didn’t realize this of course when I was married but rather, down the road when my husband was not meeting my undisclosed requirements for a happy marriage.

Things like sit-down family dinners, who would read the bedtime stories and what movies were appropriate for children were foundational points I assumed everyone felt the same way about. Was that not the typical "American Dream"? Happy, wholesome, "Leave It to Beaver", family-oriented togetherness? I couldn't fathom that seemingly-simple lifestyle would not be as important for someone else as it was for me.  

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When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part Two)

Last week, we talked about making the decision to leave or kick out a loved one struggling with addiction. One of the hard, cold realities of addiction is that doing so is sometimes necessary not only for our own survival but for their overall well-being.  

Allowing someone to hurt in order to help them doesn't seem like a very Godly thing to do. It hurts us to see our loved ones hurting (most of the time, that is! Somedays, it's more like, "Ah! That's it! You're getting what you deserve- maybe it'll make you change!").

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When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part One)

The trouble with addiction is the people who have them are good people. Hurting maybe, but often, still good. At the very least, they’re human beings that we care about or have a history with. 

In my experience, those who struggle with addiction are not normally what the media portrays. Yes, there are many people who seem to have walked off the television show, “Intervention” (or need to go on it!) but not all are like that. When it comes to decision-making and laying down boundaries, I always felt like the families of the "severely addicted" had it easy because it's so blatantly obvious their loved one needs to go to treatment. If they won’t go, then they need to be left alone to hit their rock bottom.

As difficult as the process still is, the struggle is clear for all to see. 

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