This week, I am honoured to once again host writer, Alice Mills on my blog from http://poemachronicles.com speaking out about narcissism from a Christian perspective. Alice is a retired English Professor, mother of six (yes, six!), ex-wife to a narcissist and survivor of abuse who now dedicates her life to encouraging, teaching and inspiring others in her writing.
I am always an advocate for keeping one's marriage intact but there are certain situations where we may not be able to do that because our partner, or the person who is supposed to be our partner, is abusive.
As Alice will explain to you, some abuse does stop. In emotionally abusive situations, it is possible for the abuser to learn how they are being abusive and to cease engaging in those behaviours. This doesn't always happen but with hard work and willingness to do better- it can.
When it comes to relationships where addiction is involved, there is commonly emotional abuse. Abuse and addiction walk hand-in-hand because by it's very nature, addiction is abusive.
"Abusive" of a substance.
"Abusive" of finances.
"Abusive" of intimacy in the relationship.
A narcissist, well, they truly don't believe there is anything wrong with them. They are entitled, self-centered, lack empathy, live for their wealth or personal success and they are honestly too arrogant to see that they are hurting anyone.
I would venture to say that most narcissists don't know they are narcissists but if you're married to one- you need to know. Alice shares with us five distinctions between emotionally abusive relationships and narcissistic ones and also, what the Bible teaches about it.
(Woah, wait! The Bible teaches about narcissism?! Yep! Sure does.)
Please join me in welcoming Alice Mills and be sure to leave her a comment with your thoughts or questions!
While it is tempting to equate all kinds of abuse as pretty much the same, narcissistic abuse has a few characteristics outside the boundaries of emotional abuse. Obviously narcissistic abusers are emotionally abusive, but the goals of a narcissist are significantly different from those of a person who is emotionally abusive. Knowing the difference is helpful. Narcissistic abuse requires a different approach to recovery, though the healing path from any kind of abuse is difficult.
Emotional abuse is a matter of degree. After all, we all are abusive at times. We lose our tempers, withhold affection, call names, criticize, and take our bad moods out on others. With normal maturational processes, we learn to use our words, become emotionally vulnerable, and maintain emotional intimacy at a steady pace throughout our lives. Or we don’t. But the truth remains that people guilty of emotionally abusive behavior change, as often as not.
Narcissists are a different story.
I didn’t fully understand the difference until I came to grips with the fact that my ex-husband wanted to me to quit my teaching job at a local university and go to work at a local factory. It made no actual sense, but he spent hours trying to shame, brainwash, and coerce me into leaving my position. Several years before, he had taken the car away from me on what was to be first day of my new job as an instructor at a community college. I quit that job, too ashamed to admit what happened and not knowing how to navigate the truth of the situation.
Knowing how to tell the difference between emotional and narcissistic abuse can be important. If you or someone you love is trapped in an abusive relationship, perhaps realizing the narcissistic tendencies of your significant other will give you the courage to leave.
Here are some of the key differences between the two kinds of abuse:
1. Narcissists do not change. Emotional abuse is most often perpetuated by people who are immature, who suffer from a mood disorder, or have a serious lack of nurture in their lives. As such, change can and often does occur, if people with abusive tendencies seek help. Narcissistic personality disorder is another animal altogether. As a psychologist friend of mine once told me, “People with narcissistic personality disorder can change if they try. However, I’ve worked with many and have yet to see it happen. Neither have any of my colleagues.” Research generally agrees with this assessment.
2. The goal of a narcissist is to consume his victim. That sound so ugly, but it is true. Because a narcissist cannot experience love on their own, they must harvest it from others. The way that they do this is to disconnect their victims from all loved ones, sowing mistrust. Then they keep the victim in a perpetual state of self-doubt and confusion. This is done purposely in order to keep their victim tied to them, serving their needs continuously.
3. Narcissists cannot love. Incapable of love, they actually enjoy causing pain. A narcissistic abuser feels no remorse and no emotion. They will argue for as long as it takes to prove their point that their victim is at terrible fault for a minor infraction because it messes with the mind of their victim. Victory is getting their victim to apologize for an infraction that does not exist. Incapable of much emotion themselves, they produce both good and bad emotions in others in order to live vicariously through their victims. Sound like a vampire? Vampires serve as a great metaphor for the narcissistic abuser. They feed on others while trying to make it look sexy or adventurous. The end is always destruction for the victim.
4. Healthy boundaries do not exist. I remember my mother asking why I could not discuss things with my ex. After all, she and my father spend their lives talking things out. But any show of emotion or resistance on my part meant further exploitation on his part. I can’t believe to this day how far I was willing to go to appease him. I spoke in a monotone for years because he accused me of being dramatic. A typical abuser will resent and push on any healthy boundaries. A narcissistic abuser will begin an unceasing campaign until all that is left of a healthy boundary is guilt on the part of the victim for having “sinned” against the abuser.
5. Narcissistic abusers seek out strong, intelligent victims. If mere control were the goal, a narcissistic abuser would look for easier prey. The stronger personality would prevail, as it often does, and that would be the end of that. But narcissistic abusers, because of their need to look good in front of others, and because they gain a thrill from conflict, look for victims that one would not normally associate with being a victim. In a way, it adds to their sense of consequence. They want to conquer someone challenging rather than merely convenient. This works in their favor. People looked at my competent exterior and could not believe the stories I tried to tell them. I didn’t look like what a victim was supposed to look like. Therefore, how could I be one?
In the end, one of the most distinctive differences between a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a Sociopath is the length to which they are willing to go.
A sociopath is far more likely to inflict grievous bodily harm or other crimes in order to gain what they want. They are more calculating than a narcissist, who is by nature reactive, and may premeditate inflicting harm in advance. The sociopath is much less ego-centered and capable of setting their ego to the side in order to get what they want. Narcissists exist for the purpose of looking good to the outside world. They rarely commit actual crimes because they do not want to face the consequences.
When I faced the truth of my situation, I had to acknowledge the hopelessness of it. It felt like a failure. Years of relearning how to tell the truth to myself gave me the ability to tell the truth of my story to others, in hopes that they would understand how to navigate successfully out of similar situations earlier than I did.
Perhaps the best description of a narcissist comes from the book of Timothy.
They’re snakes slithering into the houses of vulnerable women, women gaudy with sin, to seduce them. These reptiles can capture them because these women are weak and easily swayed by their desires. They seem always to be learning, but they never seem to gain the full measure of the truth.
From such turn away… Unfortunately, this is the only solution to narcissistic abusers. Don’t throw your precious life away on someone who cannot love you.
Alice Mills earned her MFA in Creative Writing. An English Professor for twenty-five years as well as a leader or spiritual formation courses, Alice now dedicates her time to writing fiction and inspirational non-fiction. Alice is the mother of six and wife of one great husband. Because of her experience as a survivor of narcissistic abuse, Alice trained in prayer ministry and inner healing. She now uses her training and her story to encourage others to break free from unhealthy patterns and develop an authentic relationship with God.
Find more resources from Alice on emotional healing, faith and abuse on her website: http://poemachronicles.com