He Isn't the Remarkable Man God Made Him to be...Yet!

He Isn't the Remarkable Man God Made Him to be...Yet!

"I don't know if I even believe in God."

The words out of my husband's mouth shocked me. He had recently returned home from a faith-based rehab that I "just knew" was going to purge his mind of all things addiction, and turn him into the husband I'd always dreamed of having. To be honest, his admittance made me angry. 

"You shouldn't even be alive! How have you still not surrendered to God? Really? You got us to where we are now, and you still think you can fix this on your own?!? Ugh."

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What Happens When You Can't Submit to Your Husband?

What Happens When You Can't Submit to Your Husband?

You know those people that speak their thoughts and react without even thinking, and even when they do reign in the strength to shut it, the look on their face tells it all? Yeah, that's me. I wear my feelings on my face. 

Being submissive is not natural for me. As much as I try to be nice, my nonexistent filter interferes. This is why writing works better; there is a delete button.

"He's not going to boss me around."

"I didn't marry him to be his servant."

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"But, what if they don't?". One Relationship Survival Skill You Have to Have if Your Loved One Doesn't Find Healing

"But, what if they don't?". One Relationship Survival Skill You Have to Have if Your Loved One Doesn't Find Healing

In my marriage, there have been many ups and downs. I'd love to say there have been more ups than downs but I feel like that may be a lie. But it's not like I have been feeling bad for all these years!

Do you know what I mean?

In addiction circles, they call this, “practicing detachment” which essentially means we aren’t allowing the decisions and actions of others to affect our mood, thoughts and feelings. 

I teach a lesson on detachment in my eCourse on how to make good, Godly boundaries. The course, 'UnBound Me', is currently being updated and will be relaunched later in 2018 but today, I’d like to talk more in-depth about detachment.

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The One Act Of Faith That Can Change Everything

The One Act Of Faith That Can Change Everything

Recently, I asked my husband if he knew why I stayed with him. We had been talking about “what he put me through” (he was saying he knew it had been a lot) and it struck me, I tell people all the time why I stayed- but had I ever told him? 

He thought for a moment and then for a good two minutes he went on about all of the reasons that he believed I stayed but it all boiled down to two sentiments: 

  1. I loved him
  2. I saw him as more than “an addict”
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How to Battle Satan from the Bedroom

How to Battle Satan from the Bedroom

Valentine's Day is approaching and with it can come a host of emotions and responses, depending on one’s love life. 

There’s the, “I LOVE Valentine’s Day!” women who always seem to get chocolates, flowers and dates. 

There’s the, “I HATE Valentine’s Day” women who never get chocolates, flowers or dates. 

There’s the neutral response, “It’s just another day” women who may have gotten chocolates, flowers or dates in the past, and may or may not this year, but it’s really not their thing. 

And then, there’s the rest of us.

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What Secretly Watching Porn Does to Your Woman (and how to fix it!)

What Secretly Watching Porn Does to Your Woman (and how to fix it!)
“Why doesn’t he look at me?”
“Is this why he’s suddenly disinterested in sex?”
“Is he using that for motivation to make love?” 
“Does he find me super attractive or thinks only that I’m pretty?”
“What does he look at?”
“How far has it gone?”
“How many times?”
“Why am I not enough?"
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Letting Go of the Dream of Partnership in a Marriage Affected by Addiction

Letting Go of the Dream of Partnership in a Marriage Affected by Addiction

I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted my marriage to look like. I didn’t realize this of course when I was married but rather, down the road when my husband was not meeting my undisclosed requirements for a happy marriage.

Things like sit-down family dinners, who would read the bedtime stories and what movies were appropriate for children were foundational points I assumed everyone felt the same way about. Was that not the typical "American Dream"? Happy, wholesome, "Leave It to Beaver", family-oriented togetherness? I couldn't fathom that seemingly-simple lifestyle would not be as important for someone else as it was for me.  

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Finding Joy in a Hot Christmas Mess

Finding Joy in a Hot Christmas Mess

My Christmas was full of homemade gingerbread men gifted to our neighbours, tobogganing at the old mill, colourful wrapping paper, the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree, Christmas productions at church and sparkling apple cider served in a “fancy” glass at my Grandma’s house. It truly was, “the most wonderful time of the year”.

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Letter to the Wife of a Sex Addict

Letter to the Wife of a Sex Addict

Dear wife of the sex addict,

Good morning, sweet lady. What’s good about it, though, right? Your whole world has been shaken, and you’re not even sure you can force yourself to put one foot in front of the other, much less agree that it’s a “good” morning. I know.

Betrayal takes everything.

Everything you once knew and everything you once treasured is just... gone. All that was sure is no longer sure and you don’t understand. You feel lost... broken... lonely.

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When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part Two)

When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part Two)

Last week, we talked about making the decision to leave or kick out a loved one struggling with addiction. One of the hard, cold realities of addiction is that doing so is sometimes necessary not only for our own survival but for their overall well-being.  

Allowing someone to hurt in order to help them doesn't seem like a very Godly thing to do. It hurts us to see our loved ones hurting (most of the time, that is! Somedays, it's more like, "Ah! That's it! You're getting what you deserve- maybe it'll make you change!").

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When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part One)

When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part One)

The trouble with addiction is the people who have them are good people. Hurting maybe, but often, still good. At the very least, they’re human beings that we care about or have a history with. 

In my experience, those who struggle with addiction are not normally what the media portrays. Yes, there are many people who seem to have walked off the television show, “Intervention” (or need to go on it!) but not all are like that. When it comes to decision-making and laying down boundaries, I always felt like the families of the "severely addicted" had it easy because it's so blatantly obvious their loved one needs to go to treatment. If they won’t go, then they need to be left alone to hit their rock bottom.

As difficult as the process still is, the struggle is clear for all to see. 

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What Panic Attacks Have Taught Me About Strength

What Panic Attacks Have Taught Me About Strength

Weakness. 

There is nothing I have ever experienced; not bullying, not divorce, not even addiction, that has made me feel more helpless than a panic attack. There is a moment where the waves of terror take over my body and hold my thoughts captive.

Though I know the panic attacks comes a resurgence of painful memories my body is the piece of me that loses control. In the midst of the attack, I can tell myself, “This isn’t real, it’s going to end, I will be able to breathe, everything is going to be okay” but I cannot convince my body to relax or find breath.

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How to Have a Healthy Relationship in Addiction Recovery

How to Have a Healthy Relationship in Addiction Recovery

Living with a loved one in recovery is an entirely different thing than life in active addiction. Each season needs its own specific course of action and entirely different approach.When our loved ones are in active addiction everything from finances to their whereabouts is in question; "Who are they with? What are they doing? Why are they late? Who are they on the phone with? Why did they take their phone in the bathroom?"

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A Day in the Life of the Wife of an Addict

A Day in the Life of the Wife of an Addict

How many times have you packed your bags? Collected your children and rode off in a fury of pain and confusion? Lost. Unable to figure out what to do next. When married to someone struggling with an addiction everyday life can be downright traumatic. 

Living a Life Without Boundaries

You wake up and the sun is shining on another beautiful day. The pitter-patter of your children’s feet echoes through the rooms of your home as you stretch and roll over in bed.

One more minute of bliss.

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What Kind of Abuse is it? Five Traits of a Narcissist

What Kind of Abuse is it? Five Traits of a Narcissist

While it is tempting to equate all kinds of abuse as pretty much the same, narcissistic abuse has a few characteristics outside the boundaries of emotional abuse.  Obviously narcissistic abusers are emotionally abusive, but the goals of a narcissist are significantly different from those of a person who is emotionally abusive.  Knowing the difference is helpful.  Narcissistic abuse requires a different approach to recovery, though the healing path from any kind of abuse is difficult.  

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