Today in The Grey Diaries, I'm still back in early 2015. My husband was still in treatment and I was starting to feel conflicted about what to do about the whole situation. It was surprisingly peaceful when he wasn't home but at the same time, I missed him and wanted him home, happy and healthy.
For those of you who have been in this place, unsure whether to hang on in love or walk away and be much more "tough" this may resonate with you. There is a point for all wives, mother's and loved ones of addicts when we come to this reckoning moment of, "Do I need to let them go?".
We either do or we don't.
Which may, or may not, be the right decision.
This is when I needed to understand boundaries. More so, boundaries with God. We can have all the head knowledge in the world but if we don't do what God wants us to do or we aren't listening to Him speaking to our hearts, it may all be for nought. I knew I was supposed to walk away. The counselors and advisors my husband and I saw together all told me to leave.
"He's not ready to change," they said.
"If you choose to stay it will be your fault you're going through this," I was told.
The worst was, "I can't help you if you won't help yourself."
But God told me to stay.
"Be still," He said.
Sometimes, what the world tells us to do won't be the same as what God wants us to do. This can make "figuring it all out" very confusing! I talk about this in detail in my course, UnBound Me. You can learn more about it here and until the end of June, it will be on sale for $50 off the total price (yay!).
This diary entry was about that place of being unsure. That unrest of, "Do I stay? Or do I go?".
The Grey Diaries | January 15, 2015
I am so up and down emotionally.
Sometimes, I feel bad for my husband because he has been broken. It's like he's a sinking ship of a human being. It isn’t his fault his ship hit a storm. It's also not his fault he doesn't have the know-how to repair his sinking vessel.
On the other hand, he took the children and me onboard as passengers without first disclosing there was a giant hole in the ship. He painted a beautiful, sunny, blissful, dream-like picture of what our cruise would be like. We board the boat and BOOM! The storm hits. From inside of my cabin, the storm was mildly frightening. I was oblivious the ship was sinking.
But maybe this isn't fair of me to say...
I’m sure my husband did the best that he could to patch and repair the hole. It held up okay when it was just him on board. However, with the added weight of a family on deck, it was too much weight and the patch couldn’t withstand the pressure.
I am angry at him for not disclosing the damage beforehand. Angry that instead of giving us life jackets and getting our family on the liferaft, he disappeared with a bucket to bail water. I'm angry he left us alone on a sinking ship.
His vessel was weak from prior damage and the boat quickly filled with water. My husband, still busy attempting to repair and save what was already lost, didn’t see how difficult it was for me as I waded through the ocean's violence, carrying our children on my back, all alone, to safety.
Today the storm has passed but it doesn’t mean there won't be another one. If history is any indicator, there will be. The weather is fickle and it isn’t friendly.
I wonder where my husband will be when another storm arises... will he still be on his same, old ship, sinking ever so slowly into the deep darks of the ocean? Will he join us on solid ground where it is safe? With his pretty pictures and his visions of grandeur, I don’t know even know if I want him in my refuge. The trouble he caused and the turmoil and hardship he put me through was more than I have ever had to bear. Before he came along I was happy. I was very safe. The furthest I had ever travelled before I met him was to the lake, where the worst thing we would run into was the occasional snake.
I have found refuge from the storm for the children and I but I am still in emotional discontent... not distress, just, discontent. Let’s say, I’m in limbo on the shore. Do I wait for my husband to dock? Is he sinking out there? Do I save him? Do I uproot the children and go back to Canada where I can work and be supported and ask him to find us when he reaches shore? If he is going to be gone for a long time, it’s better I wait for him there. Do I send a postcard? Why do I put myself through this agony? It's so hard to love a man who is sinking.
The one and only thing I am very sure of is that I will not sink with him. I know how to swim. Actually, screw swimming. I'm going to build my own boat. A yacht. A big, beautiful, white yacht. And sail away to the beautiful, sunny, blissful dream...
My love, will you sail away with me? I want you to. So badly, I do.
Today, I will commit my heart to you, Lord, by saying, “I’ve ended all conversation that deals with the PROBLEM and from now on I will proclaim that YOU are in control and YOU’RE handling my future in the way YOU designed from the beginning”.
I do feel like I’m going back to God’s plan for me right now. I’m once again walking down the path God planned for me to take... actually I think I’m still wading through the water but at least I'm headed in the right direction!