Dear Diary: It's Better than Prison
When I was younger, I used to love the book, "The Diary of Anne Frank". I have always felt that I talked to myself much in the same way. I have introspectively narrated my life story and to be very honest, I wonder what would have been said about it if it were someone else looking in, instead of my own perspective. I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes. However, I do believe I've been a good wife. A traumatized one, but a good one.
How much more traumatized was Miss Anne?
When we look too much into our own lives, we have a tendency to exacerbate our pain. Yes, it's painful! But it isn't the end of the world. My husband battled addiction. It's a big deal but it's not the biggest.
If someone else was narrating my story, looking back on it, this is what I think they would see:
My husband had an addiction. It hurt both him and me.
My kids were healthy.
I had the support of my family.
My husband pulled through. He is not perfect but neither am I.
We have our struggles but we are not persecuted or oppressed.
We are no Anne Frank.
If you're new and haven't been following along in my story, this is The Grey Diaries. Each month, I post an excerpt from my real journal showing the journey from where my husband and I were to where we are today.
I started The Grey Diaries to show you the natural ups and downs of this season of life and also, to tell you that it's true God never leaves or forsakes us. It wasn't all that long ago that I was in the middle of the storm of addiction and truth be told, I am still walking through this. But God has changed the way I look at addiction and that hopeful perspective has completely renewed my spirit.
Last year, I focused on "being still" and listening to God's heart for us. This year, I am focusing on protecting our "hope" because hope is the fuel for happiness!
If you'd like to learn more about being still, click here to learn more about my Bible Study, "The Be Still Series".
And now, to continue on in The Grey Diaries.... !
The Grey Diaries | January 14, 2015
I saw you today in that place. It broke my heart to see you there.
I saw my man, broken... in despair. Desperate for resolution for the mistakes he made. I felt myself torn between offering him grace or finally outpouring all my pent-up anger in a safe place. Husband, I feel for you. My heart breaks for you. The pain you have endured is clear and I want to give you absolution but I am too angry. I'm so angry you put us in this position. That you did this to our family.
I want you to know I believe in you. I know you have the strength within you to persevere through this. God has given you practice in resilience, though it may not look that way right now. I admire that you keep trying. Forbearance is an admirable quality.
I wanted to take you home with me today to snuggle up close and watch a show; Feel the warmth of your embrace and go back to that place where I feel safe again. As comfortable as it is to be alone, we were not designed to be this way. I think God made me for you. Before I knew you He picked us out, special, because He knew I would stand by you through this.
I love you. When you get through this, I will be waiting for you on the other side.... but please don’t break my heart. I don't understand how when I give you my heart you can just stomp all over it like that. I could never treat someone I love that way. You’re supposed to be taking care of me but instead, I'm taking care of you. I'm glad I have it in my character to be here for you but sometimes I can't help but think that it's just not fair.
When you married me we became one. When I married you, I became one with you. That means that all the crosses you bore, I now have to bear too. All the burdens you carried, I'm now carrying with you.
I'm here for you. In every way, in every manner, I am here for you because I love you more than I can say in words. I will love you always. Forever.
So please... do this.