Continuing on from the previous Grey Diaries entry, my husband has just entered treatment and I'm journaling my way through the thirty days. I made a pact with God, "a covenant", to get myself through it; Praying, hoping, treatment would work. This was shortly after a rough Christmas in 2014.
I will not post all thirty days as The Grey Diaries only comes out once a month and that would take a long time! But I'll pick out the most important entries and list them as per which "day" they are (One, two, ten, etc.).
I wanted to share this with you because the recovery journey is important for both your loved one and yourself. You will find if your loved one does go to treatment and comes home again, they will be on their own relapse and recovery "schedule". If you pay attention, close attention, you'll see you're on one too. A personal development journey that changes your character and a person will emerge that you may, or may not, like. Which of course, is an opportunity for change.
You need to recover too.
Wherever you're at in your journey, be patient with yourself. These are hard times! If you need support, join us in the private, "Live, Love, Hope" Community on Facebook. If personal development and emotional freedom are things you're interested in, check out my Bible Study, The Be Still Series. It's not about addiction- it's about you! If you're a parent and would like to learn more about crisis prevention or how to manage your child's current struggle, watch for my new book, "We're Not Okay" (March 2017). Written from my own, personal experience being a Christian "wild child", it's a short read and five dollars well-spent, I promise!
Without further ado, here we are on day two.
The Grey Diaries | January 13, 2015
It’s the end of the day and I feel as though I’ve been writing in my head for weeks. I have so much to say and so many times I have wanted to write but I am waiting for the right moment so I can write less with emotion and more with wisdom.
It’s been a difficult day and evening. I can feel Satan has been taunting and tormenting me but I am persevering, steadfast in the Lord. Part of my covenant resonated with me today, “...so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light” [Colossians 1:12].
I am thankful to be qualified to share in the inheritance of the saints. That’s not God saying, “Well Leah, you’ve done a pretty good job, I’ll let you into heaven but you need to be the dishwashing girl... no tips for you!”. The inheritance of the saints. Wow! That’s quite the calling.
Are we all called to sainthood? Is that why some of us struggle so?
Thank you, Lord, for qualifying me despite all my shortcomings. I don’t think I deserve the inheritance of the saints but I am forever grateful nonetheless. Now, I just need to accept it: This struggle. This humble circumstance. The qualification process, no doubt. It's not what I pictured for my life.
I was listening to the radio today and a song came on by MercyMe called “Greater” a few of the lyrics are:
Every day I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I’m not right
But that’s alright
‘Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Then he who is living in the world
Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed
Years ago, Grandma Pearl [Read more on who Grandma Pearl was to me here!] said to pledge daily:
"I’m no longer feeling remorse or guilt or condemnation for things I have been forgiven for."
Satan is such a tricky fellow! He made me forget I even knew that. I will no longer be condemned for things I have been forgiven for, "there’ll be no condemnation here". I think I should sing that song every day. Maybe then I'll feel more fit for your Kingdom, God. [Do you need to forgive yourself for something? Maybe for being in the situation, you're in? Check out this post by author Judy Tomczak on forgiveness]
Freeing myself from condemnation seems to be the lesson of the day lately. Both from my own self-condemnation for getting into this situation and finger-pointing from others. My parents think I got married too fast. My husband's family doesn't understand me at all, nor I, them. His friends hate me. I tried to send them a nice message to let them know he was getting help and if they wanted to visit or give him some encouragement I'd be happy to go with them and they totally shunned my extension of goodwill. I think they think I took his fun away. When did this become my fault? Do they not see his pain? I would hope my friends would never treat my husband that way if I was in need.
The other thought plaguing my mind all day is I have really lost a big piece of myself through this experience. Without my husband here, the house is Holy-Spirit peaceful. It feels calm. I can feel God’s presence and the gentle wind of His Spirit. My husband took his demons with him to treatment and in some ways, I'm sad to say I dread his return. I love him dearly but his inner torment physically affects the atmosphere of our home. The other day, our son prayed that when Papi comes home he isn’t angry anymore... how observant. I feel the same. It’s a different home.
I also feel like a different girl. My inner spirit can shine! My creativity isn’t squelched and my personality is not suppressed. I have been wondering why I'm not this person when he's here. I realized today, it's connected to this condemnation. It's oppressive. Also, I'm trying to please someone by being the perfect wife, who was never truly happy, to begin with.
"What if I speak in the most elegant languages of people or in the exotic languages of the heavenly messengers, but I live without love? Well then, anything I say is like the clanging of brass or a crashing cymbal."
This seems to be the story of my life. Put the quirky person God created into the box a person made that it turns out- I don’t fit into very well. Like the time I didn’t get the tattoo I wanted because my husband said he didn't like it when girls had too many tattoos.
Well, no more! I ordered pink hair dye.
I’m not even going to tell my husband. I’m just going to show up for our next visit at rehab with pink hair. I’m also going to get that tattoo I wanted. Let’s see how well we fit together when I’m just me. I think we will. In fact, I believe those bits of my personality are the pieces he loves the most. It just scares him because a wife with tattoos and pink hair doesn't fit into the box someone told him he was supposed to fit into.
He has a rock and roll soul, I know it.
This is going to be a new start for both of us. I am going to find the parts of myself that were lost and my husband is going to tear away the layers of his pain to find out who he really is. I will pray this transformation is done in the light of the Lord. My deepest desire for my husband through all of this is to know what a great future God could create for him. He was created to share in the inheritance of the saints!
I can’t make my husband see his identity in Christ but I pray this hardship will open his eyes to see how desperately God loves him. A praying wife is a husband's most powerful weapon against the enemy.
Dear husband, today I take up your cross in prayer. Open your arms and accept forgiveness.
Praise for today:
My cold is gone!
I learned I am Holy, Righteous and Redeemed
The Spirit-Wind is stronger and present in my home again
I’m figuring out how to walk like a lion. Step one: Pink hair
I fulfilled a vision of drinking tea while writing this and spending time with God
"I will sing of the steadfast love of the Lord, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations. For I said, “Steadfast love will be built up forever; in the heavens you will establish your faithfulness.”