Dear Diary: He's Going Back to Rehab

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Hello, there!

The Grey Diaries is back! I can't believe we're this far in the story already. Mind you, I've jumped around a bit, skipping months in-between. There were both good and bad times in there but I want to hit the highlights of the story. 

As you may know by now, my husband was up and down with his struggle with addiction as most are. I don't have the words to explain to you how difficult the rollercoaster was but I know you already know. 

I believe we have one of three options: Ride the rollercoaster, take matters into our own hands or give the situation to God. 

It sounds like I'm giving it up to God in this journal entry but I'm not. Looking back, I can read between the lines of what I was saying. Yes, I knew I needed to surrender this situation to God but I was still battling managing it own my own. You can see I go back and forth from giving up to worrying about it. 

I can tell you now, I didn't fully surrender. It was a good year of major fail after fail before I finally woke up and said, "Okay, Lord! I'll do it your way!". 

Doing it God's way was terrifying.

He didn't tell me His plan. I was in a place of total, complete dependence. If you can imagine walking around a dark room, bumping into chairs and tables, stubbing your toes, scrambling to catch the lamp before it falls as you desperately try to turn it on- that was me. 

But we will get there :)

Today, we're going back in time to a day or so after our wedding anniversary. I had a sober husband for about six months at that point. Sober but still acting like a "dry drunk", if you know what I mean! I don't know if he was actually sober for all of those months. I suspect not but I can't tell you for sure. 


The Grey Diaries | Sunday, August 9, 2015-

Dear God,

He is going back to rehab. 

He relapsed. Twice. In the same week. At least he admitted to two times, I think it’s been a lot more. And right after we had such a beautiful anniversary dinner, too. 


I told him he has to go back to rehab or I will not come home. Which really means, "You have to go to rehab and I'm moving back in with my parents or you can choose not to go to rehab and I will have to live with my parents regardless". I love my parents but it’s hard to go back there. Or rather, I should say here. It’s hard to be here.

[Side note, I was in Canada visiting my family with our kids for the last pre-school season trip and my husband had just come to pick us up. He looked really bad, was all sweaty, it was obvious he was not sober while we were away.]

Because I am... here. Again. It's 11:00 pm. I'm supposed to be going to bed and getting a healthy sleep but instead felt called to write. Maybe I'm supposed to write down these experiences and the lessons I'm learning through this to help others? Maybe it’s simply therapeutic. All I know for sure is I love to write.

I need to find a way to support my little family. My husband can't support us when he is so emotionally unstable. I have to find a way to make my income sufficient. If we both have incomes good enough to support a family- that would only be a bonus.

God, what is your plan here? Asking, "What do I do?" is redundant and pointless. I seriously can’t seem to do anything! I try really hard but I haven't found success by my own accord. I'm a good mom and have solid ethics but those things don’t make money. Lord, you made me. You know my unique talents, abilities, and gifts. You made me a child of the promise and count me as a seed. Help me, please, because I am ready to bloom! Bloom out of this. 

God keeps telling me I am “His daughter with whom He is well pleased” (how AWESOME is THAT!?!?). I guess, for now, I will continue on doing what I've been doing. Be patient. Pray. Leave it up to God. Clearly, he wanted us back in Canada! Thank you, Lord, for safely planting my family. 

In many ways, this isn't even about my husband.

Maybe I needed to come back here for some reason. It’s going to be difficult but Lord, please block out the suggestions from people who are not leading me down the path you want me on. Please fill me with wisdom as to what you want me to do next. 

There are things I want:

  • I want my own home

  • I want to be financially stable

  • I want personal career success

  • I want my husband to go into a program upstate New York so I can visit him

  • I want to be in a safe, happy place with friends and family and laughter

I love the idea of being able to have love in my life and a healthy “normal” relationship but that isn't my story right now. I might never know why but that’s okay. 

Lord, You know my heart and You know it’s in the right place. 

Lord, You know my intentions and You know they are good. 

Lord, You comfort me and refine my character through these tribulations and trials.

Lord, I can trust You because You are my Strength, my Shield, the Father of all that is good and light.

Lord, I thank You for giving me the opportunity to love my husband and how he loves me in return.

I pray BONDAGE BREAKING over the spirits that have hold of him.

I pray BONDAGE BREAKING over generational spirits and curses.

I pray BONDAGE BREAKING over demons who have tried to make my home their residence. I COMMAND IN YOUR NAME that all demons, spirits, and things not from God are BOUND IN THE NAME OF JESUS and DEPART FROM MY HUSBAND THIS INSTANT and go into the dumpster in New York City’s Times Square.

I pray SUPERNATURAL PROTECTION for my husband and over his mind.

I pray for SUPERNATURAL HEALING of the parts of his brain that have been damaged by drugs.

I pray AGAINST any spirit that found a foothold in me from his addiction and from this day forward my family, my whole entire family, is dedicated to you Lord God Jesus Christ and only you. 

I love you and I praise you through this trial. 

Your daughter, 

The Seed. 

Wood and Nails

O humble carpenter, down on Your hands and knees
Look on Your handiwork and build a house
So You may dwell in me
So You may dwell in me

The work was done with nothing but
Wood and nails in Your scar-borne hands
O show me how to work and praise
Trusting that I am Your instrument

O loving labourer with the sweat upon Your face
Oh, build a table that I may too may join You
In the Father's place
Oh, in the Father's place

The work was done with nothing but
Wood and nails in Your scar-borne hands
O show me how to work and praise
Trusting that I am Your instrument

The kingdom's come and built upon
Wood and nails gripped with joyfulness
So send me out, within Your ways
Knowing that the task is finished
The dead will rise and give You praise
Wood and nails will not hold them down
These wooden tombs, we'll break them soon
And fashion them into flower beds
The curse is done, the battle won
Swords bent down into plowshares

Your scar-borne hands, we'll join with them
Serving at the table You've prepared

O humble carpenter