I'm starting a new monthly series!
In an effort to be more transparent (on a very already honest blog) I'm opening up my story to show you how I got to this place. Once a month I'm going to be posting an excerpt from my real journals. These are hopes I've had, heartbreaks I experienced and life experiences out of which, I've learned my lessons. They may be in order, they may not be- I haven't decided. I'm going to let the Holy Spirit lead.
Also, I've been pretty secretive about my identity. Yes, I'm a real person and anyone who knows me and stumbled across my blog would know it was me in an instant but I still don't feel it's time to reveal. I'm going to share some "strategic" photos from my life with you but I promise, one day soon, I'll show you who I really am.
Today, I'm starting with my journey to New York because it's been such an significant adventure in my life. As of late, it means more than I can say but you'll know in time. A happy, hopeful journal entry from a happy, hopeful girl.
God bless you all. Thank you for reading!
The Grey Diaries | June 20th, 2013
I saw a quote once in a magazine by Calista Flockhart that always stuck with me; she said, "The way the world underestimates me will be my greatest weapon". I could see how she would be underestimated. I'm certain throughout her school years she was skinny, small and likely awkward. With her baby-fine hair and her bird-like features she would of matured awkwardly into the uniquely beautiful woman she is today. I sit here today remembering what it felt like to be skinny, small and likely awkward myself... luckily that kind of life experience lends you plenty of time to develop a dynamic personality, inquisitive mind, creative spirit and the like!
It remains true that the most amazing people are always the ones you don't expect. The ugly duckling who turned into a swan, the computer nerd who starts a multi-million dollar enterprise or the cynical social outcast who becomes a cryptic novelist. When you're not expected to accomplish much it has a much bigger impact when you do.
And so... here I am.
A small-town girl from rural Ontario, Canada about to embark on a life-changing journey to "The City of Dreams". Change is inevitable but one thing remains certain, this was always my oldest wish.
New York was the unattainable future I daydreamed about while looking out my bedroom window at my neighbour's house, the only other house on the street that looked exactly like mine. I'd see his cat in the window, listen to his ever-improving drum practice in the garage and wonder what was behind the eerie dark window sitting up higher than all the rest.
I grew up dreaming through windows.
I'd doodle pictures or write poems (about boys), listen to (bad) music while collaging my wall with ripped-out fashion ads from magazines. Once, I thought it would be a good idea to make a quilt out of all my t-shirts even though I didn't reallllly know how to sew. I prayed, I cried, I sang and most importantly, I imagined walking the streets of New York City.
Of course my hair was longer and shinier than it is right now, I wore much nicer shoes, I was super fit (no exercise needed) and I didn't have a young boy on my hand saying, "Mama why are all those cars yellow? ... Mommy what's that over there? ... Why? ... Why? ... Mama my legs hurt. Mama I need to go pee... Mommy I cant hold it!!!!" Also...... I'll be in Jersey City. It goes without saying but of course, I wouldn't change the reality in the slightest.
Well, maybe the New Jersey part. Just a little.
The picture I have for my life has changed since I was a young fourteen year old widow dreamer but the dreams in my heart remain the same. I am loved and in love. I have a beautiful son who gives me a fresh perspective on life every moment of every day. I am going to walk the streets of New York in comfortable shoes, play in fountains of beautiful New York City parks and begin a life filled with love and opportunity.
It was never just a dream, it was an inevitable destiny.
So to my small-town bullies please, underestimate me. Fire me. Tell me I can't do it. Put chewed up apple in my hair. Spit in my face. Make me second best. Tell me I'm not good enough... I've been accumulating weaponry for most of my life. Only ten more days now... If I keep trying, the odds are, something great is going to happen one day.
I can feel it.
Te quiero muchisimo amigos.
“I love New York, even though it isn't mine, the way something has to be, a tree or a street or a house, something, anyway, that belongs to me because I belong to it.”