My First Panic Attack and the Day My Husband Left

My First Panic Attack and the Day My Husband Left

Everything was getting blurry. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

My chest was so heavy. it felt like someone was crushing my chest. It was as if the hand of the enemy was pushing me down. 

I remembered once I had read that if you put your arms up over your head it will help you breath better. I put my arms up as high as I could and went down on my knees. No, it wasn’t helping. I stood up, arms reaching high, maybe I was supposed to be standing? No, that didn’t work either. I sat down, maybe I was supposed to be sitting? It seemed to be getting worse. 

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He's Just Not That Into You[r Marriage]

He's Just Not That Into You[r Marriage]

“So I read this thing the other day…”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. It was about marriage and it sounded like ours.”

“Mm-hmm.” (eye roll)

“Don’t roll your eyes. It said there are men who avoid intimacy. Intimate conversations, intimate moments, everything to do with intimacy.”

“What? I don’t avoid intimacy, you sexy thing.”

“Sex is a surface thing, that doesn’t count.”

“Hm. Well, I think so. Yes, it’s a surface thing, I guess…” (not listening)

“Gah. Never mind.”

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The Day the Lord Set Me Free from My Marriage

The Day the Lord Set Me Free from My Marriage

Some might think that title is scandalous.  I know that my own fear of divorce kept me from escaping a narcissistic abuser for fourteen years.  Now, seventeen years out from that disaster, my regrets center around not leaving far earlier.  I lived in a lot of denial for years.  One has to cultivate denial in order to survive, much less stay, in a marriage that was as abusive as mine.  And just how abusive it was, did not fully dawn on me until I disclosed, ten years later, details of the torment to my counselor.  The look of horror and grief on her face showed me just how far from normal my first marriage had strayed.

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Dear Diary: Sail Away With Me

Dear Diary: Sail Away With Me

I am so up and down emotionally. Sometimes, I feel bad for my husband because he has been broken. It's like he's a sinking ship of a human being. It isn’t his fault the ship hit a storm. It's also not his fault he doesn't have the know-how to repair his sinking vessel. On the other hand, he took the children and me onboard as passengers without first disclosing there was a giant hole in the ship. He painted a beautiful, sunny, blissful, dream-like picture of what our cruise would be like. We board the boat and BOOM! The storm hits.

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Mama, Are You Lonely this Mother's Day?

Mama, Are You Lonely this Mother's Day?

Dear Mama,

This is for you. I know this Mother’s Day isn’t the one you hoped for. I know that you feel forgotten and alone. Unappreciated. Possibly even, invisible. Which is why I want you to know that I see you. I see how hard you work behind the scenes to keep that well-oiled machine of a family running (some days, simply squeaking by). I know how much thought, time and effort you put into caring for the ones you love the most. How you think about them, and their well-being all the time, even though it seems that they don’t notice. 

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Dear Diary: It's Better than Prison

Dear Diary: It's Better than Prison

When I was younger, I used to love the book, "The Diary of Anne Frank". I have always felt that I talked to myself much in the same way. I have introspectively narrated my life story and to be very honest, I wonder what would have been said about it if it were someone else looking in, instead of my own perspective. I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes. However, I do believe I've been a good wife. A traumatized one, but a good one. 

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